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Everyone loves a good festival, but they aren’t all fun and games – the camping, the crowds, the cost. Usually we put up with it as we get to see amazing live bands with like-minded folk, but wouldn’t it be great if we could have our ideal festival experience? Well if Carlsberg did festivals they’d probably be the best festivals in the world.

What’s this about £200 for a ticket? Oh no, the ticket would be reasonably priced and the buying process would be hassle-free. When packing, everything slots perfectly into your rucksack and it wouldn’t give you back-ache after walking a few feet. The journey is seamless, allowing you to arrive early and have first pick of the camping spots.

Your tent assembles itself in prime location, not too far from the toilets, but not so close that you are overpowered by the portaloo stink. Scrap that. There would be no unpleasant smells as you would have access to luxury facilities with hot-water showers. Oh and did I mention, your pimped-out TARDIS-style tent includes comfortable beds, a dressing room for UV-paint application, a massive-arse sound system and a patio for beers and a BBQ. There would have been a Jacuzzi in there too but then you’d never leave the camp site…

After freshening up you take a look around the festival site, just a short, scenic, Segway journey away. There’s something for everyone with stages for indie, dance, acoustic, dubstep, metal, folk, and rap music, and main stages for rock and pop. An excellent selection of cuisine is on offer, and you don’t have to queue for it. Bottled water doesn’t cost an arm and a leg – and you even get to keep the lid! Everything’s going well, the sun is shining and now all you’re looking forward to is the music.

That horrible moment when you realise that Chase and Status are on at the same time as Foo Fighters. What to do? Do you go to one and head to the other half way through, compromising your crowd position and time spent with each, or do you make the impossible decision between two great acts?

If Carlsberg did festivals, there wouldn’t be any kind of clash. To cater for everyone’s eclectic taste, the headliners for each genre would be arranged throughout the days in order of intensity, not all at once at the end. Wake up to the dulcet tones of Bon Iver, have a leisurely brunch to Mumford & Sons, luncheon with Beyonce, dinner with Dizzee Rascal, rock out to The Killers, and rave the night away to Skrillex’s dirty beats.

If you fancied a break from the banging tunes, you could head over to one of the alternative stages. The Nostalgia stage would feature The Spice Girls in their heyday and Britney Spears before she shaved her head. The YouTube stage would bring hours of procrastination to life. Of course Psy would headline for a large scale Gangnam Style dance off, and Midnight Beast and The Lonely Island would also bring out their musical parodies.

It’s the headline act you’ve been anticipating for the whole festival. Heck, they’re the reason you came in the first place. But you’re no fool; you claim your space in the golden circle well in advance. [Insert favourite band here] grace the stage and you witness [insert lead singer here] from the front row as you sing along to their every word. It’s the best show you’ve ever seen – complete with laser displays, insane visuals and classic tracks. A rowdy festivalgoer elbows you in the face and you’re missing a shoe, but you’re not bothered as you’ve completely surrendered to the music.

After the epic encore [insert drummer here] throws out a drumstick and your friends lift you up as you catch it. The whole moment is captured on camera, as well as on the big screens for all to see. [Insert guitarist here] chucks out some plectrums – you swipe one of those too, you ninja. There’s a mad scramble afterwards for the set lists but luckily you befriended one of the security guards earlier who hands one over. You are the envy of everyone in the immediate area. You are then whisked away to the VIP area to have photos with the band, receive signed limited edition albums and get absolutely wasted together.

Carlsberg – you really need to do festivals!

Published at This Festival Feeling

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